In the 2024 presidential election, Karl Lenker is voting for former President Donald J. Trump. His girlfriend of a decade, Jan Lewin, is voting for Vice President Kamala Harris.
So Ms. Lewin, 67, did not appreciate the Biden-Harris “Dumb and Dumber” mug that her partner bought for his morning coffee. Nor was she a fan of the toilet paper featuring President Biden’s face that he put in the bathroom of their condo in Atlanta. (Ms. Lewin retaliated by swapping it out for Trump-themed toilet paper.)
Mr. Lenker, 74, a self-described “libertarian Republican,” does not hold back when it comes to talking politics. He believes Ms. Harris is a puppet being used to push a “liberal left” agenda that he calls “insane.”
“Not all Democrats are stupid,” Mr. Lenker said. “But all stupid people vote Democrat.”
Ms. Lewin tries not to be baited by Mr. Lenker’s ribbing, but she can be equally blunt: “I try not to attack Trump unless he’s doing something so stupid I can’t help it,” she said.
Mr. Lenker and Ms. Lewin aren’t the only couple sparring over political ideology in the run-up to this historically tight presidential election. Recent estimates say about one-third of couples do not share a political affiliation, and for true split-ticket couples (6 percent or fewer marriages are between a Democrat and a Republican) this may be a “precarious moment,” said Cynthia Peacock, an associate professor of communication studies at the University of Alabama who researches politically mismatched relationships.
Ms. Peacock’s research has found that people in such relationships tend to report slightly lower levels of relationship satisfaction than those who share the same views as their partner. “Political attitudes, you know, they’re not just like the opinions we have about our favorite movies or foods,” she said. “They’re tied to our morals, to our identity, to things we hold very deeply and personally.”
Her research suggests that ideological differences may matter less in relationship satisfaction than how couples navigate talking about them. “If you’re fighting more, and those fights are becoming intense and nasty, that’s what’s hurting the relationship,” she said. “Not necessarily the difference in political positions.”
Focusing on Shared Values
Jim Davis, 75, has learned that one of the best things he can do for his relationship is to simply not discuss politics with his partner of 50 years, Michele Weiner-Davis.
When the couple met in the 1970s, Mr. Davis was “anti-establishment and liberal” but has grown increasingly conservative, his wife said. Though even in that characterization they do not see eye to eye. Mr. Davis said he has long had an “anti-establishment personality,” but described himself as “libertarian to conservative.”
The couple lives in Boulder, Colo., which typically leans blue, “so when I’m brave enough to tell people that I’m married to someone with different political beliefs, it’s almost like a deer in headlights,” Ms. Weiner-Davis said with a laugh.
But Ms. Weiner-Davis is a couples therapist who often helps patients navigate political differences, and she has learned to prioritize what she and her husband have in common — above all, a deep love for their children and grandchildren — and to stay relatively quiet on their politics.
“I made a decision a long time ago that we are entitled to be different,” she said. “When people really get into trouble is when they try to — as we did, initially — convince each other of the virtues of their positions.”
Couples who do not have as long a history together may find that a big election is the first event that tests their bond.
Grace Calvert, 25, was friends with her boyfriend before they started dating about a year ago, but she did not fully know his politics until then. She is liberal; he is conservative.
Growing up in Texas, Ms. Calvert got pretty good at navigating political differences. If she hadn’t, she would not have been able to maintain relationships with many of her family members. And when it comes to her boyfriend, Ms. Calvert considers the whole package: He is funny, confident and matches her energy well, she said. (Her partner declined to be interviewed.)
But the stakes of the election feel high to her, particularly as a bisexual woman living in a Republican-led state, and she knows the couple’s political differences are not going to simply disappear after Election Day, on Nov. 5. “We’re going to try our best to just not let it drive a wedge between us,” she said.
Separating the Partner From the Party
Though politics can feel all-consuming before a presidential election, most people simply aren’t consistently following politics, Ms. Peacock said, which means they do not affect their relationship dynamics day-to-day.
But what happens when that changes?
Thomas Moran, 60, a self-described “centrist Democrat” from Las Vegas, has been married for more than 20 years. Politics never came up all that much during most of his marriage. But in the past five or so years, he said, his wife has become an avid consumer of Fox News whose political views diverge sharply from his own. (Mr. Moran’s wife declined to be interviewed.)
“We love each other very much and support each other in all aspects — except for this one area,” he said.
So they compartmentalize. “We kind of put it in a box and off to the side,” Mr. Moran said. His wife watches news programs in the guest bedroom; he keeps his political news consumption to himself.
Avoiding political discussions is one way to go, but it’s not the only way, experts said.
Couples may not have many opportunities to practice talking about politics effectively in the current political environment, said Elizabeth Earnshaw, who is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the author of “’Til Stress Do Us Part.”
“People are not having healthy, positive discourse about their differences,” she said. “There’s often contempt and criticism and accusations.”
The goal is to be able to say: “I want to know why this is important to you,” she said, and find some common ground. If, however, political differences are rooted in fundamentally different values, that is harder for couples to navigate, and it may be good reason for a relationship to end, she said.
Mr. Lenker said that his relationship works because he and his girlfriend make an effort to engage in debates rather than arguments.
“Rule No. 1 is: Jan and I refuse to allow political differences to drive a wedge in our personal relationship,” he said.
Often Ms. Lewin finds herself telling her boyfriend: “No more politics!” she said. “And he gets the message.”
Still, it’s not perfect.
“You know, if I’m not in a good mood and I really want to get to him, I tell him what an idiot he is for believing this stuff,” she said.
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